Fire and Forget

One thing I think people may not understand about my traveling escapades is that I am actually really scared. I think the whole thing is me trying to do things even though I am afraid.

I really don’t want to be limited by my anxiety. It makes me feel weak, vulnerable, sensitive, fragile; and sometimes I am some of those things (especially sensitive). But I shouldn’t have to stay home in fear of venturing out into environments and circumstances that cause my discomfort just because I will experience anxiety.

And let me tell you – it’s strong anxiety. It’s not for the faint of heart! I’m not sure if people close to me completely understand what I mean when I tell them about it. I can see people’s faces, and sense that they are having a hard time interpreting just what I’m telling them about myself.

So here I am in Hanoi, Vietnam, and it’s a bit more crowded and busier than I was expecting or necessarily prepared for. Comparing this to where I normally live is like comparing a concert to a lullaby. When I booked this trip, it was a bit impulsive. To be honest I did not realize that Hanoi would be so bustling and dynamic. I’m not at all regretting it; I just need to adapt. Maybe I will spend less time downtown than I planned. Maybe I will prioritize getting out of the city and out into the more rural areas. This is the beauty of keeping your itinerary flexible.

I learn a lot when I travel. For me, the purpose of traveling is to learn – about yourself, about other people and cultures and ways of life. I’m learning that I have the balls to do things that put me in unexpected places. I’m learning that, despite this, I have to be soft with myself and honor my vulnerability. I’m learning that genuine connections with other human beings provide me with great comfort. I’m learning that I’m willing to experience temporary discomfort if it means that I can feel more alive and die without regrets.