Moose Crossing

Too funny, I came here thinking it would be like a writer’s retreat. Of course I planned to practice meditation daily – at least 3 times a day was my intention. Yesterday, I meditated once, and today I meditated twice. This is the first time I’m doing any writing, and tomorrow, I’ll be heading home.

I left my house yesterday at around 10am. My plan was to get here by 1pm so that I could beat the thunderstorms that were supposed to pass through. It took me about 3 hours to get here (not counting stopping at Dunkin’ Donuts for coffee, and then at Dollar Tree in Littleton, New Hampshire for food) and I wasn’t able to beat the thunderstorms. I drove through thunder, lightning, and moderately heavy rain for about fifteen minutes. Afterwards, it was sunny again.

I got here at around 1:45pm. The road up the hill that leads to Milarepa Center is initially quite steep (I actually drove past it at first because I was distracted by the beautiful scenery), but once you drive up it you can see the stupa! As I pulled up to the main building and parked my car, I realized how quiet and serene it was here. It was smaller than I had imagined, but there are actually over 200 acres of land. I haven’t done much exploring because I didn’t bring the right footwear, and I don’t want to brush up against any poison ivy.

After I got out of the car, I grabbed my bags which consisted of clothing, toiletries, books and food supplies, and headed up to the cabin. I already knew where it was located because Dawn (the director here) had described the location of it to me over the phone. She also provides a video of the each of the cabins online for potential retreatants.

What I noticed first about the inside of the cabin is the smell of cedar. The floor, stairs and windows are all made using cedar and the wood is just so fragrant and visually appealing. I don’t know how I know it’s cedar, but I’m feeling confident. In the main room on the first floor, there is a single padded chair, a desk and desk chair, a kitchen with a two-burner stove, a sink with no faucet, a microwave, and a mini-fridge. There is also the bathroom with the bucket of peat moss, and a couple of water bubblers. There are lots of windows. Outside there is a shower that uses gas tanks to heat the water. Upstairs inside the cabin there is a storage area for a meditation cushion and other props that people probably use at the altar, and a full-size bed which I have found to be quite comfortable!

There is a woman staying in the other cabin. She is on a three-month retreat. She must be a very dedicated practitioner, because she never comes out of the cabin. The shades are always drawn, and I never see any lights on. Maybe that’s what I should be doing. From what I’ve been reading since I arrived here, three-month retreats are quite common. Down the street, there is another Buddhist center called Karme Choling. My plan (again, my best intention) was to visit the other retreat center to attend the daily sits that they have each morning and evening. It’s already past the start time for the daily evening sit today. Maybe I will go tomorrow.

After I had brought my bags in, Dawn came to welcome me to Milarepa Center. She is very friendly and a kind lady, she smiles frequently, and she is very thoughtful the way she sets things up here and takes care of the property. She showed me the inside of the main building, where there is a large open room with two to four long tables for retreatants to sit at. There is also a library, a dorm, a small shrine room and a gompa (or large meditation room). I took note of the library and made sure that I would return later to check out what kind of books were there.

After all of this, I decided to nap. Actually, my plan from the beginning had been to nap once I got there. I may in fact be napping way too often, both here and at home. For example, I did a 25-minute meditation today, which is 5 minutes longer than my longest meditation sessions are. Afterwards, I rolled over and fell asleep (I meditate lying down) even though I had just woken up from a full night’s sleep not more than 3 hours earlier.

When I woke up, I came downstairs and made some of the ramen that I had purchased from Dollar Tree. I hadn’t had ramen in a long time; it was so good. Then, I checked out the little altar in the main room here. There are tea lights, some reading materials, incense, a figurine of Siddartha Gautama, and some cups for water. I lit some incense and boiled some water for tea. I noticed that the reading materials had to do with retreats – how fitting! Suddenly, these reading materials seemed far more interesting than any of the six books I had brought with me.

I spent most of the night reading. I washed some dishes outside, and I checked out the peat moss toilet. Dawn had told me that I didn’t have to use this toilet if I didn’t want to – but I wanted to! How exciting! The only downside is that when I leave tomorrow, I need to walk far away from the cabin, find somewhere to dig a hole, and bury my excrement. Then I will need to clean out the bucket that I was using as a peat moss toilet. I accepted the challenge; it is my duty, while I’m here, to really get the most out of this experience.

After it got dark, I started to wonder what else I should do. I didn’t feel like writing, I had already done a lot of reading, and I had already prepared and eaten dinner, though I was starting to get a little hungry again. I spent some time researching other retreat centers in New England and thought about when and how I could do this again. I decided to prepare myself a plate of pretzel thins and cheese slices.

But before I started preparing the plate of food, I felt a subtle pang of anxiety. I interpreted it as my usual daily anxiety, but without the distractions of daily life. I had only been here (awake) for maybe 6 hours, but I was practicing mindfulness and moving with intention. No video games and no TV. That is being just slightly more devout than usually am.

I felt afraid, but after a few moments it passed. I wondered if I should meditate in that moment but decided not to “force myself”. It was only my first night here, and Dawn had me sign a waiver saying that “I was doing this of my own accord”. Did that mean that people came here and freaked out during their meditation sessions? That had never happened to me. I decided to go easy on myself and utilize the wi-fi here to watch some Netflix. I watched Netflix for like 4 hours and then I went to bed.

Today was my first full day here. I spent an hour or so leaving the Center to go and buy some sweatpants because at night it actually gets very chilly. Dawn provides two comfortable, thick blankets but I felt I needed a bit more because I had forgotten to pack clothes for cold weather (along with more appropriate footwear). I drove to an Ocean State Job Lot in St. Johnsbury, Vermont and enjoyed the scenic drive on the way there. I couldn’t bear to listen to any music over the radio or over Spotify after spending some time alone here in silence. Even just having the car windows open was a lot. I’ll have to be gentle with myself as I return home and return to work (I am emerging from the mountains, please be patient with me!)

The day has been going by more quickly because of that nap I took after meditation. I did visit a couple country stores while I was out to see if they had a long-sleeve shirt that said “Vermont” on it (I didn’t find one), and I did use the outdoor shower for the first time when I came back. I’m making tea now and I plan to do more reading. I will probably succumb to Netflix again tonight. I did some yoga when I first woke up which was very nice. Props to Adriene, as always.

So, yeah. I’ve gotten a taste of the retreat experience. I still aspire to go on a more formal retreat someday, but I need to fully commit to facing my state of mind honestly, and I need to be willing to follow a stricter schedule. It would be in my best interests. I have an aversion to anything strict, but it would reveal how my mind tends to react to externally imposed circumstances. I appreciated the solitude because I am most comfortable this way, but I should also give myself the opportunity to be in a community of others who are doing the same thing. Next time, I should also leave the laptop at home. I decided to bring it when I found out that there would be wifi in the cabin. The same goes for my phone.